I’m not pervert…

I’m not perverted, I just have a vanilla-deficiency. – KJ

Original way to think about it, don’t you think?

Posted in Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud: Living Outside the Almighty “Norm”

I reread the post in which I recall the light bulb moment that made me realize that I was different.  Every time I think about this particular situation, I can’t help but think that it isn’t normal.  A six year old should definitely not be thinking about these things.  Yet, I was.  A six year old who is thinking about these things must certainly have seen them or heard about them somewhere.  Yet, I hadn’t.  A six year old who imagines such things must certainly have suffered through some kind of physical or emotional trauma which required psychological intervention.  Yet I didn’t. Except, I just can’t stop myself from thinking that it just wasn’t normal.

But then again, what is “normality” exactly?

Where I live, it is considered normal to be a white, uniquely-French-speaking, national-independence-seeking, English-hating, straight, vanilla, faux-catholic.

Well, I am white.  And, well, straight-ish (I guess), or rather, I am open to a same sex relationship under the right circumstances.  That, however, is another subject altogether.

Of course, I need only drive about an hour southwards for the whole concept of normality to be different.

Ok, so “normal” is a contextual idea.

But is “normal” better?  I mean, should we strive to be normal in our day to day lives?

Well, around here, it’s considered normal to drive 20km/h over the speed limit, normal to not stop at a pedestrian crossing when there is a pedestrian waiting, normal to just barely slow down at stop signs, normal to resent those who worked hard for their fortune but be in awe of those who won their fortune on a lucky lottery ticket.  It is also normal to wait 16h + in an emergency room just to see a doctor, normal to have to wait six months for an ultrasound, normal for a quarter of our gross salary to go towards a healthcare system that just doesn’t seem to work.

I could go on and on, but I think you get my point.

No, “normal” is not better.

Most normal people get aroused by simple foreplay, kisses all over, a sensual massage, soft words whispered in their ear.  Me?  I get aroused by being bound, by allowing myself to be controlled.  Hot wax dripping on my body, being spanked until I am squirming and my buttocks have reddened, being mercilessly teased and denied release, being called dirty names, now those are things that turn me on.

I am NOT normal.

I should embrace the fact, after all, I am who I am, yet I have trouble doing so.  Is it because of all the years of trying to fit in and being pushed away?  Is it for fear of the repercussions that could ensue if I were to remove my vanilla mask?  I don’t know.

“I am not normal and it is OK, because I am who I am”.  I rather think this should become my new mantra.

Whilst I am on the subject, another thought ensues.  I have a child at home.  A (most of the time) sweet lovely baby.  I keep wondering how I would react if he were to show signs of being, well, not normal.  Will I worry and want to bring him to a psychologist if I find out that he does some of the things that I did as a child?  How will I react if he shows clear signs of dominance or submission early on?  I would think that being who I am, I would be able to recognize the signs.  But how will I react?  I know I am a very open-minded person, I guess it comes with being outside the norm myself, but I am afraid that I would react badly; I know for a fact that I wish for my son to live an easier life than I did.

Am I making sense?  I don’t know; I’m rather sleep-deprived at the moment.

Any thoughts on the subject?


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Posted in Thinking out loud

Some Thoughts on Discipline

Before I start this entry, I just want to say that these are my own opinions and thoughts.   If you want to leave me a comment, that’s perfectly fine but don’t flame me just because my views don’t match up with yours.  I am not stating these as facts I am stating them as my own opinion.  Just keep that in mind as you’re reading this.

You know a lot of times I wonder myself why do I consider myself to be part of the BDSM lifestyle.   I mean I hate bondage, so the B of whole acronym is out.   While dominating, I do tend to excel in pain even though I in no way consider myself to go to the levels of sadism, and along the same vein I enjoy pain but I don’t consider myself a masochist either so that eliminates the M.  So I only fully embrace the D and part of the S in the acronym.   However, while I  have  experience in these types of relationships, what I can glean is that in order to be part of the BDSM lifestyle, does not mean you have to embrace every aspect of this lifestyle.   But that’s not to say that I don’t embrace any fact of this lifestyle.   I am a submissive to a wonderful dominant woman, and yes when I’ve misbehaved in the past she has had to discipline me.  When I first started writing this entry, I wasn’t entirely sure where I wanted to go with it but now from what I’ve just said I think I do.

Discipline, punishment call it what you will but I think they’re synonymous in a sense, but in a way I see it being strongly distorted by so many people that want to be part of the BDSM relationship but don’t truly know what it means.   Now I by no means, claim myself to be an expert nor even very knowledgeable in these aspects but, not to sound conceited, I do consider myself to be rather intelligent.  Discipline, to me, suggests the process of punishing someone because they did something wrong, whether breaking the rules, or not showing respect to the dominance that you have chosen to submit to.  So why, do I read about so many submissives being punished for no reason other than their existence?  What is that suppose to teach them?  That they’re worthless and have no purpose but to be a literal punching bag for their dominant?   I’m sorry but no matter how much someone wants to deny this every submissive/slave is a person even if they want to be viewed as nothing but a sex toy or a slut they are still a person.  And every person, even if they don’t want to admit it, has a breaking point.  I don’t care what a person says, there is no such thing as a no-limit submissive!  It does not exist, and people who say they are, are delusional.  No-limits means no-limits, drugs, gun-play, illegality, putting yourself in grave danger all these are limits and you say you don’t have any problem with that?   Sorry but I find that hard to believe.  

Then there’s the other side of the coin, dominants who discipline but don’t really.  Let me explain what I mean by this.   Let’s say I disobey my domme, if she were to just tell me to spank myself 50 times on the ass and call it done, that would not be a punishment.  Why?  The reason for this is because I enjoy being spanked, and she knows this.  Yet so many people today call a spanking a suitable punishment and leave it at that.  Did you ever take the time to see if your submissive liked spankings because if they do you’re just reinforcing their misbehaving with reward.  Experience does help in telling you what most submissives don’t like but if you’re just starting out take the time to learn your submissive’s likes, soft limits, and hard limits.  If your slave misbehaves use one of their soft limits or something you know they won’t like and they’re likely to not misbehave again.

Now it seems like I’m picking on the “dominants” here but let me say something about some certain people who are submissive as well.  Some submissives I’ve dealt with in the past ask for a punishment.   Unless you’re asking for one because you did something wrong that your dominant does not know about until now, you people have turned discipline into a joke!   And in some cases I can’t blame you, because so many people have distorted the idea of discipline that so many people think that punishment is just something dominants do for no reason other than just because they can.  This makes no sense to me, and this goes along with the last paragraph that if you punish your slaves in some way that you didn’t bother to see if they liked or not they’re going to want to be punished more.  In my dominant experience in the past, one rule I have stated is “Do not misbehave, just because you want a punishment.” 

I honestly do not like to discipline subs/slaves when I am in the mindset of a dominant, but if they misbehave I have to otherwise they don’t learn.  That is the key right there.   Discipline is not there just because dominants have the ability to.  Discipline is there to be sort of a learning opportunity.  My domme has punished me quite a few times because I messed up but she has never disciplined me if I didn’t deserve it.   She has made the punishments into something that I learn to avoid and through these she has made me a better sub.  That is what it’s all about.  So don’t abuse discipline by just using it for the own slave’s existence; use it to make your sub/slave the best that he/she can be.

Posted in Thinking out loud

An Introduction to KJ

Hi, how is everybody doing, well I hope. I’ve been a friend of vanilla submissive for quite a while now and she has asked me to possibly co-author some things on this site. I believe an introduction is in order, while I can’t exactly protect my anonymity from other sites, my code name is Komodo Jones. Yes the same person who came up with the vanilla deficiency line. Much like vanilla submissive, I too hide behind a vanilla mask to mask my true bdsm nature. However, my mask comes from the fact that I live with overtly closed-minded Christian vanilla parents. I have to put up the front of a goody-two shoes Christian in order to appease them, but having said that my dark fantasies are still very prevalent in my life.

I guess I should start out by saying I am a male. I also play the part of a switch in the bdsm world, even though that is not completely accurate. I can play the roles of a dominant and a submissive, but I prefer the latter of the two. When I first entered the bdsm world in my early 20’s I was a submissive. It wouldn’t be until 2009 when I would own my first slave and make the transformation from submissive to switch. I have tried to make a hiatus into the vanilla world but this lifestyle keeps on bringing me back and I have embraced that this is who I really am. At the current time, much like V.S, I am not looking for anyone right now, and if I was, I am very capable of looking for myself thank you. I also classify myself as semi-bi. This means I enjoy playing with both genders but I can only see myself dating and marrying a woman. This is very prevalent in the fact that while I have owned male and female slaves in the past, I have only submitted to women, including the domme I am currently a sub for. I don’t know why I don’t exactly like the fact of serving a male, maybe because I perceive them as more violent and brutal than women, but I know that they can have a devious side as well. My domme’s punishments when I misbehave have made that very evident. But yeah, I enjoy pleasing women even if they’re not my domme. Even V.S. has a little control of me almost making me do something she wants me to do by using her “superpower” which is one of my weaknesses. No I won’t tell you what it is lest some other woman would use that to my disadvantage and cause unfaithfulness to my domme.

Also like V.S., I have a passion for writing. A lot of people say I’m weird for writing for enjoyment, but for me it’s a way to express my emotions and thoughts more easily since I am a very shy person in real life. My writing experience spans several genres. My most prevalent, I would say, genre is erotica which I probably will be posting some ideas of some stories on this site. Not stories I have written on other sites, but new ideas and possibly revamping some of my older stories before I started writing in more details. I also keep two blogs. One is sexual, one vanilla. My vanilla one tends to be updated more and shows that I can have non-fiction, short stories, reviews, and top 10 countdowns under my belt. My first short story that I was happy with was published on there and would fit into the mystery/horror genre. It won’t be published in an anthology any time soon, or ever, but I still enjoyed it. But because of these two blogs and a story I sometimes update on another site I too can write non-fiction, even though I don’t enjoy reading much of it.

Well as of the time being that’s all I feel about writing about myself, but I hopefully will be posting on this blog often. Probably not as often as V.S. but still hopefully posting some things frequent enough to satiate the masses. Until next time…


Posted in Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud: Slave or Submissive?

I came across a forum post recently.  The original poster’s question was quite simple: is there a difference between a slave and a submissive?  The question sparked an interesting discussion on the subject and, as expected, conflicting ideas were brought up.  There were those who considered that it was all a question of semantics and others who considered there was a world of differences between the two.

Now, in my eye, there are a few distinct differences between the two.

The way I see it, though both submit, a submissive has much more control than a slave does.  Control: it seems like a funny word to describe a submissive, but from my (albeit short) experience, it is a definitive factor that cannot be ignored.  A submissive is able to clearly set his/her limits from the getgo.  Now, you may say that a dominant will eventually want to push those limits and I could not refute that statement, however in this case, said dominant would discuss the matter with his/her submissive beforehand.

So, where does that leave slaves?  Well, from where I stand, I consider that a slave would not be the one setting his/her limits.  Rather, the person dominating him/her would use their slave as they see fit until such a time as they hit a limit.  Now, though I don’t believe they would disregard the limit as soon as it was hit, I do believe that the slave would have no voice in deciding whether this is a limit they feel they are ready to push or not.

In the same line of thought, a submissive would be able to end a scene at any time, whereas a slave, would not have that luxury.  Furthermore, I consider that a submissive can eventually become a slave, and so, the bottom who is in a power exchange situation would be a submissive, but if after trust has been established that submissive determines that s/he is ready to relinquish more control over to his/her top, then the two may enter into the world of total power exchange thus rendering the bottom a slave.

Make sense?

Of course, not all would agree with me (then again, where would the fun be if everyone agreed upon everything?).  For one particular user, it all comes down to a question of semantics:

‘Submissive’, in my opinion, is a label, a marker, a (self-applied) identity modifier. If I can make a sweeping generalisation here; All slaves are submissive – not all submissives are slaves. […] ‘submissive’ is how a slave self-identifies. ‘Slave’ is how their Dominant(s) identify their submissive. – Anjelen

Now, if I understand this correctly, this person considers that being a slave is merely the condition of the person that is playing the submissive role in a power exchange situation.  As such, as soon as someone enters a relationship in which s/he chooses to submit to another person, that person becomes a slave to him/her, regardless of how much freedom/control they have with regards to setting their own limits, discussing what is happening and such.  It comes down to saying “I am a submissive, but I am his/her slave”.

But this begs another question.  Is a submissive individual who decides to go to a dungeon (and please correct me if my understanding of what goes on in a dungeon is erroneous) to play out a scene once in a while considered to be a slave to the dominant(s) during those particular moments?  Does this mean that in that person’s day to day life they cannot consider themselves to be a submissive even if they have a submissive personality?  In short, if “submissive” and “slave” are one and the same, does that mean that one can only be a submissive/slave if they actually have a Master/dominant?

I know that for my part, even though I am not in a D/s relationship, I consider myself to be submissive (but, then again, there is a difference between being “submissive” and being “a submissive” I think).  Furthermore, in the instances in which I have found myself in such a relationship (all in an online context), I have had different experiences.  In one instance, I felt like a slave (and actually got out of that situation) and in another, I felt like a submissive.  This is probably why I consider that there is a difference between the two.

I wonder, however, is the perception of the difference between slave and submissive dependent more on the individual’s nature (for lack of a better word) or on their personal experience?

Please share your thoughts.  I am genuinely curious to find out what your personal take on the subject is.


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Posted in Thinking out loud

Haiku #1

Bind me.

Through coils of knotted rope –



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Posted in Erotica

A Lesson In Patience

When Audrey opened her eyes, she was greeted with darkness. Yet, she knew it wasn’t night; she could clearly hear the birds chirping happily outside. She decided to close her eyes once more, knowing full well the futility of keeping them open.  As she allowed her eyelids to cover her eyes once more, Audrey could feel the subtle resistance that the thick velvet blindfold offered and, had it not been for the singing birds, could have heard the the soft scratching sound that ensued.

She took in a deep breath, taking the time to tune into her body.  Her feet and a part of her legs were warmer than the rest of her body.  The warmth of the sun had crept into her home through a window and was slowly making its way up her naked figure.  Her legs were spread and, as she tried to bring them closer together, she felt a strong resistance against her ankles. Her only option would have been to attempt to spread her legs further, but it was impossible; the girl was already stretched to her limit.  She was bound.

Clasped atop her navel, Audrey’s hands were bound as well.  She did not even attempt to move her arms, she knew it would not get her anywhere.  Even as she lay there, as still as possible, Audrey could feel the slight yet constant tug against her most private parts.  A fine rope had been carefully wrapped around her slender waist and then threaded between the cheeks of her perky ass.  The rope came back up between her legs spreading her labia ever so slightly and exerting a slight pressure against her swollen clitoris.  A gentle tug sent a jolt of pleasure through her body.  She smiled.

Just as she started to feel uncomfortable lying down on the hardwood floor, Audrey vaguely wondered how long she had been there.  But, being temporarily robbed of her sense of sight, there was no way she could tell.  Though she felt as though she’d been there for hours, she knew that it could not be true.  Otherwise, she would already be free or her bindings.  The girl estimated that only a couple of minutes had passed at most.  Her suspicions were confirmed when she felt the first drop of cool water crash on her bare mons veneris.

You see, Audrey was going through her first self-bondage session.  It was something she had been thinking about for weeks but had not had the courage to attempt.  But, after proper research and careful thought and planning, she had come up with a scenario she was comfortable with.  She had first started by attaching a piece of string to one of her padlock keys and then freezing the key in an ice cube compartment filled with water.  Then, once the key was frozen in, she stripped and teased herself with a few edges.  Her expert hands then attached a crotch rope upon herself taking care to leave a measure of rope extending from between her legs.  She tucked this piece of rope under the strand that circled her waist and knotted a loop at the end of it.  Bringing the ice cube tray with her, Audrey then settled under her kitchen table where she put on her ankle cuffs and attached them to opposite table legs.  Once her legs were spread, Audrey placed her spare key on the floor near her crotch.  This would be her safety key in case she had to get out of her bondage situation quickly.  Next, the girl took the string attached to the frozen key and taped the top third of it to the underside of the table.  She made sure to carefully align the ice cube with her pubic mound.  The next step was to attach the remaining string to her left index finger before putting on her wrist cuffs.  Finally, Audrey put on the blindfold, attached her cuffs to the loop in her crotch rope with her padlock and lied down on the floor.  All that was left to do was wait for the ice to melt completely and allow the key to drop.  Only then could she free herself and savour the orgasm her body yearned for.

Minutes continued to pass and each drop of frozen water that fell upon her body was a torturous reminder that she could not yet come.  Driven by the intense need that was arising from the situation she was in, Audrey started to visualize her orgasm, thus only making her predicament even harder to bear.  A few times, the girl almost gave in.  All she had to do to free herself was to sit up and grab the key that was nestled against her crotch.  But each time her resolve started to fade, she reminded herself that this was a coward’s solution.  She was in no danger, thus, had no reason to use her backup key.  And so, she waited.

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, Audrey felt the key land on her mons.  Her whole body broke into goosebumps and her nipples perked up as she reached for the key with a thumping heart.  Concentrating hard, she felt around the padlock to find the opening in which the key to her release would fit.  After a few unsuccessful attempts, Audrey’s fidgeting fingers were finally able to insert the key in the hole and, with a satisfying twist and click, free herself.

Audrey was almost ready to rip the crotch rope off and award herself the satisfaction of an orgasm, however, something held her back.  Instead, Audrey slowly threaded the dangling length of rope out from under the belt circling her waist exposing her swollen moist flower.  Then, she took in a deep breath and started rubbing her hands deliberately over her body.  Her hands traveled to her neck shoulders and tummy eventually moving on to her firm breasts.  She fondled them lightly then started circling them with a finger as she got closer and closer to her nipples.  Her breaths began to shorten and become shallower as her excitation gained in momentum.  When she allowed the tips of her fingers to brush up against her erect nipples, Audrey felt her body break into countless goosebumps.  It was time.

As she continued to tease her breasts with her right hand, Audrey brought her left hand downwards towards her vulva.  She lightly teased her outer labia, dipping her fingers in the entrance to her vagina and then spreading her juices over herself.  Then, spreading her tender lips with her thumb and ring finger, she proceeded to stimulate her already sensitive clitoris.  As she massaged her little nub of pleasure, her breath and pulse quickened.  It did not take very long for her to start to feel the effects of the oncoming orgasm.  Audrey’s body began to become flushed, mimicking the tingling sensation that was radiating from her pleasure center and spreading outwards.  As her hips joined in the dance, Audrey started to rub her way to an orgasm quickly and skillfully consciously slowing down her breath to keep the impending orgasm at bay for only a few extra seconds.  Then, just as her brain seemed to register the intensity of the stimulation her body was being subjected to,  Audrey’s PC muscles contracted and she was overcome with wave after wave of pure pleasure.

Only when her body stopped trembling did she remove her blindfold.  As she turned her head to the left, she smiled at the screen of her opened laptop and was rewarded with a smile from her Dominant.  He had been watching her from the start.  Soon she was overwhelmed anew with an intense emotion upon hearing two simple words: “Good girl”.


Please feel free to leave comments!  All feedback, so long as it is constructive, is most definitely welcome.

I hope you enjoyed!


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Posted in Erotica

Tease #1: Controlled Edges

Tailored to: men and women

Equipment needed: no special equipment needed, if you want to use something to help you along, it’s your choice

Length: variable, it depends on your choices and/or dedication

Description: You are going to start off by determining a number of edges to complete before being allowed an orgasm.  You can either do this on your own, with the help of a random number generator, or by asking someone else.  Your objective is to complete all of the edges before being allowed to orgasm.  However, you cannot just sit down and start to pile them on, this tease is meant to last at least a couple of days.

It goes something like this: On day 1, you edge once and only once.  On day 2, you complete two edges.  On day 3, you will bring yourself to the brink of an orgasm three times…and so on and so forth until you have reached the required number of edges to be allowed an orgasm.  Obviously, if you initially chose a high number of edges, it will take you a longer time to attain your goal than if you chose a low number of edges.  That being said, though, since you are adding an edge every day, as the days progress, it takes less time to reach a high number of edges.

Now for those of you for whom this doesn’t make sense, consider these numbers: It will take you about a fortnight (2 weeks) to reach 100 edges, but will take you about a month to reach 500.

What happens if…?

  • If you reach the targeted number of edges, you may have an orgasm.
  • If you have an orgasm before you have reached your targeted number of edges, you should ruin it and start over from the top the next day.
  • If you are unable to complete the appropriate number of edges one day (for instance, on day 15 you only do 12 edges), you will have to start your next day at 1 but keep your total.

Alternate ways to play:

  • Instead of deciding upon a set number of edges, see how many days you can last before having an orgasm.  The next time you play, try to extend the number of days.

Make sense?  Please feel free to leave your questions, comments, thoughts in the comment section.

Have fun!


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Posted in Teases

And So It Begins

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was just shy of being 7 years of age when I  realized that I was different.  My mom was on her way to the hospital to give birth to my younger sibling and my father was at work, waiting to finish his shift before being allowed to leave.  I found myself being babysat by our teenaged neighbour.  Just as any good babysitter, she asked me what I felt like doing and we made-believe that we were in school.  At first, I was the teacher and she, the student.  When she “misbehaved”, I “punished” her following a scenario that had been going around in my head for some time (let’s remember here that I wasn’t even seven years old at the time).  In my head, the punished student (which, incidentally, was me) was asked to lie down on her tummy.  Then, the punishing adult stuck a whole bunch of needles one by one in my butt cheeks.  Afterwards, I was asked to turn over on my back and more needles were stuck on my venus mons.

I was so excited to actually be able to play this out (minus actual needles) and I knew that once I was finished “punishing” my sitter, it would be my turn to misbehave and be “punished”.

Except, it didn’t work out exactly as I had planned.

You see, being a good babysitter, she played along and got down on her tummy on the couch of the living room.  Then, as I started making a pincushion out of her bum with my imaginary needles, she exclaimed in a whiny voice “Ouch, my back!”.  Imagine my surprise!  Things would have been so awkward if I had been the student first or even if I had “made” he lie down on her back first!

At that precise moment, I realized that the things that were going on in my head weren’t what went on in a ‘normal’ person’s head.

At that precise moment, I realized how lucky I was that she had decided to play the role of the student instead of that of the teacher first.

At that precise moment, I realized that I had walked a very fine line between what was socially acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

At that precise moment, I promised myself that I would never speak of these things that I daydreamed about to anyone because even at the fresh young age of (almost) 7, I knew that it would be frowned upon.

In hindsight, I’m certain that my parents would have sat down with me and asked me where I had seen or hear of such a thing.  They would probably have thought that I had been victim to a sexual act.  I would have been brought to a psych’s office and would probably have been interviewed by the police.

But this did not happen as I kept my mouth shut…and allowed my imagination roam and ripen over the next years of my life.


Care to share?

Have you ever had a similar experience?

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Posted in My life